Picking up Mariela from CPS office
Today is November 4, 2008. At 11:30 a.m Mariela's custody hearing was canceled and reset for two weeks from today. We were very sad and disappointed for Mariela. We wanted to get her to a home where she can start bonding. Brett and our attorney set to work to arrange an emergency hearing. They were successful in their efforts. At 4:50 pm our hearing was heard. We were awarded temporary custody of Mariela Ruby Arismendez, that evening at 5:15 p.m Mariela was released from her current foster home and put in our care. It's going to be an interesting year to say the least. I hope the Lord will help and sustain me as much as I believed he will. We are happy that this first hearing is over and we can shower her with love.
On ovember 5, 2008 at 4 :30 pm, Brett and I picked up Mariela at the CPS office. I will never forget the way I felt on the way to their office. It made me think of the dread I felt the day I was driving to the hospital to get a D-n-C. I was walking around with one of my children inside, and they had to go in and scrape it out of me. It was the worst feeling of dread that I had experienced up to that point in my life. I didn't want them to take my baby out of me. On my way to the CPS office that day, that same level of dread had come over me. I knew I was just about to embark on a journey I didn't know how to accomplish. I felt like I needed three more of me, to make it possible to care for this little angel I was picking up and all my other children. Brett said, "It's not too late to turn around, I want you absolutely certain this is the right decision." I said, "Oh, I know it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it any easier." I walked into the room, and for the first time I placed my eyes on this beautiful little girl and I said, "Brett, she is mentally retarded." He and the CPS case workers all said, "What makes you think that? I said, "Normal healthy babies do not thrust their tongues like that. She is definitely mentally retarded." The CPS case workers said, "Let's hope you're wrong" Brett said, "Maybe she's not, maybe it's just something she does that other infants don't do." I said, "No, she's definitely mentally retarded!" While I was looking at her that day, she stared at me with those big beautiful eyes. I felt like she could see right through my soul. She was so beautiful! She cooed and smiled at me. She had so much to say. The sounds she made were different from any other child her age, because she didn't have a lip or a pallet. But, they were the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard. I couldn't believe my little handicap child had finally made her way into my life.
Brett had been very protective of this little girl from the moment he heard her name. He was so happy to finally have her in his arms. He just wanted to love her hurt and pain away. I put Mariela in the car, called my pediatrician, Dr. Douty down in Killeen, and asked him if he could wait for me, before leaving for the day. I was completely over whelmed to say the least. I knew meeting with him was the best possible place to start. I had just picked up this little infant with 11 broken bones that were in all different stages of healing; She had a broken arm that had been snapped in half, 5 broken ribs, her legs were both broke in two different places and her pelvis ring had also been broken. She had a feeding tube in her nose. CPS handed me a feeding machine, a syringe and a feeding pole and said, "Good luck, we have no idea how to use any of this." She had white stuff draining out of her mouth and her head was full of cradles cap to the worst degree. Her head was also stuck back on her shoulders from the severe neglect. She was also on a handful of meds. To be totally truthful with you. I was more nervous about keeping up with her rigorous med schedule than anything else that was currently going on with her. I drove straight to Killee and Dr. Douty and his staff were there waiting for me, even though the clinic had been closed for a good 30 minutes. Add that to my list of miracles. I was so blessed to have gotten through to his office before he had walked out the door. Dr. Douty told me the white stuff draining out her mouth was thrush. He said we needed to do stretches to get her head to raise off her shoulders, he trained me on how to feed a child with a feeding tube. He showed me the art of bolis feeding, He assured me that as broken as she was, she didn't need to be held any differently than any other child her age. He said, " We are normally gentle with this age and that will be just what she needs in order to heal. Her bones would heal beautifully because they were still so new, and that is why they didn't put her in a body cast. He said to just pay attention if any of them were tender. Her pelvis ring and legs proved to be the sorest of all the bones for 6 months during diaper changing time. Her arm had to be left in the sling, she never did use that arm much after it healed. I felt much more prepared for the task at hand after I left his office. He educated me on everything he could think of. He told me in the office I should really consider putting in a G button in her tummy to feed her. I had never heard of that term. Her feeding tube was only in her nose for three days when it got a clog in it. It just happened to be the middle of the night. I paced the floors in the kitchen for three hours trying to decide what I was going to do. I remembered CPS had given me a funny looking bottle. I learned later that it's called a pigeon bottle that's used to feed babies with out a top lip or a pallet in their mouths. I found the bottle, and Brett and I figured it out. It was a mess, milk drained out of her mouth all over the place. The one blessing that came from that night of pacing the floors, carrying this hungry little infant, was her head came off her shoulders and she never had a problem again. The next morning I called Scott and White gastroenterology, who was one of the many doctors that were on a list CPS had given me. They told me to come on in so they could put her tube back in her nose. While I was there I told them to teach me how to do it. They said, :Are you sure?" I said, "Absolutely!" I was now reinstalling that feeding tube every couple days. The tape would not keep it in securely. I finally said, "Heck with the tube! We're going to have to teach her to drink out of the pigeon bottle. It's funny because I wasn't intimidated by any of the medical issues with her. I had never encountered anything even close to this experience, but I had planned on being a nurse since I was 7 years old, when I was laying in the hospital, after being hit by a car.. This all seemed like a piece of cake. I knew I just had to take it one issue at a time and we would get along just fine with her medical issues. The thing that scared me the most was, how in the world would I have time for my other 5 children? I was determined to figure that one out as well. I knew the Lord would not let the rest of my children suffer over Mariela's needs. He loved them all the same. I knew he would teach me if I asked. With all that confidence, came days of just the opposite. One particular day after Brett got home from work I met him at the door with my keys in my hand. I had to get out! I was taking care of two new born babies and four other children. I was buried in grief for my life with just Eathyn and my other children. I was grieving for my life that could of been with out a handicap child, that would now be with me into Brett and my retirement years. I grieved for my life, like I would a death. I was dieing inside due to all the responsibility I had. I was stuck in a place where I couldn't find the faith that was necessary to carry on. I got in the car and started to drive. I had no idea where I was going until I ended up on Sister Hammel's front porch. I got out of the car and ran up to her door. She came out and threw her arms around me. She was concerned something serious had happened because I couldn't quit crying. When the tears finally dried up and she realized why I was crying, she said, "Cindy, I know you know, you are doing the right thing, now you are just going to have to get yourself to remember that every moment of the day. When I started raising our Autistic son I found myself on my knees, sometimes several times an hour all day long. When you think you can't make it another moment with all you have to accomplish in a day; I want you to stop, go to your room, and get on your knees, and talk to the Lord. Ask Him to teach you how to accomplish everything that is required of you. I promise you, He will teach you! You will have the strength of the Lord with you and you will not feel the burden!" Those words were coming from the voice of an angel. They came with such power! I knew she was right! I said, "I haven't been praying because I am angry with Him, how could he ask me to do something this big and this difficult? How could He take my later years away from me? How do I pray if I am angry at Him?" I had never experienced that emotion, to that intensity, with the Lord before. She said," He is your Father in Heaven, do not be afraid to tell Him how you feel. Tell Him your angry at Him, tell Him you are having a hard time praying. Cindy, tell Him exactly how you feel. What ever you do, do not go another day without His help!" I went home that night and got on my knees and had a heart to heart talk with the Lord, and from that time forward I was on my knees several times a day. I would ride from one prayer to the next. If I was struggling with anything in the home I would turn to the Lord and I would receive answers immediately. He was by my side every step of the way. I could feel his spirit so strongly in my life. Does that mean I didn't struggle? Heavens no! I struggled every minute of the day. But I rarely found my self in a situation that would feel like it was more than I could handle. I remember for months after Mariela came to our home my cheeks would ache from smiling so much. But, the task at hand that accompanied those smile was no small accomplishment. I didn't realize how sheltered I was from that burden until I would look back at pictures of our two infants together during those first couple years and I was shocked to think I was their mother. They felt like little strangers when I would look at the pictures. I thought, "I could not possibly take on that large of a responsibility." People would ask, "How do you do it? How do you take care of all your children so well?" I told them it wasn't as hard as it looked, and I was being completely truthful saying that. But, when I would look at those pictures, It would nearly cripple me. It was one of the hardest experiences anyone could ever go through. It was very uncomfortable looking at those pictures for a while because looking in on the situation was actually harder than living the tale. Heavenly Father made my burden light every day of Mariela's life. I did not consciously recognize the burden until just before she went to her Aunt and Uncles house. And from there, not again until Ryan was born. Recovering from the pregnancy and delivery with Ryan, and caring for a third child in three years was just about more than I could figure out how to accomplish. I never felt broken again as I did a couple years earlier when I went to the Hammels, but I needed more help, and boy did He send help!
The initial grieving of bringing a handicap child into our home, faded over time, and I wanted nothing more for my earthly life than to take care of this angel for as long as her and I both lived. For many months I told Brett I didn't feel like she would be with us very long. It really bothered me, I felt like maybe that was some morbid wishful thinking. I couldn't explain how I knew, but I often felt little glimpses of knowledge, I new she would be here for only a short time. I didn't know how to interpret the word "short." I didn't know if that meant a year, or three or ten or twenty. It didn't take long for me to gain a full understanding. When she was 10 months old she left our home for 6 weeks, I was prepared for her initial departure because I had that feeling for so long. But, eventually the peace left and I was in a world of hurt. I could not function without her. I missed her to the center of my core. She was a part of me. We ended up having to fight for custody again but that was a small sacrifice to have her back in our life again. Once she was awarded back to our care, I never had that feeling of her being here for a small amount of time again.
On ovember 5, 2008 at 4 :30 pm, Brett and I picked up Mariela at the CPS office. I will never forget the way I felt on the way to their office. It made me think of the dread I felt the day I was driving to the hospital to get a D-n-C. I was walking around with one of my children inside, and they had to go in and scrape it out of me. It was the worst feeling of dread that I had experienced up to that point in my life. I didn't want them to take my baby out of me. On my way to the CPS office that day, that same level of dread had come over me. I knew I was just about to embark on a journey I didn't know how to accomplish. I felt like I needed three more of me, to make it possible to care for this little angel I was picking up and all my other children. Brett said, "It's not too late to turn around, I want you absolutely certain this is the right decision." I said, "Oh, I know it's the right decision, but that doesn't make it any easier." I walked into the room, and for the first time I placed my eyes on this beautiful little girl and I said, "Brett, she is mentally retarded." He and the CPS case workers all said, "What makes you think that? I said, "Normal healthy babies do not thrust their tongues like that. She is definitely mentally retarded." The CPS case workers said, "Let's hope you're wrong" Brett said, "Maybe she's not, maybe it's just something she does that other infants don't do." I said, "No, she's definitely mentally retarded!" While I was looking at her that day, she stared at me with those big beautiful eyes. I felt like she could see right through my soul. She was so beautiful! She cooed and smiled at me. She had so much to say. The sounds she made were different from any other child her age, because she didn't have a lip or a pallet. But, they were the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard. I couldn't believe my little handicap child had finally made her way into my life.Brett had been very protective of this little girl from the moment he heard her name. He was so happy to finally have her in his arms. He just wanted to love her hurt and pain away. I put Mariela in the car, called my pediatrician, Dr. Douty down in Killeen, and asked him if he could wait for me, before leaving for the day. I was completely over whelmed to say the least. I knew meeting with him was the best possible place to start. I had just picked up this little infant with 11 broken bones that were in all different stages of healing; She had a broken arm that had been snapped in half, 5 broken ribs, her legs were both broke in two different places and her pelvis ring had also been broken. She had a feeding tube in her nose. CPS handed me a feeding machine, a syringe and a feeding pole and said, "Good luck, we have no idea how to use any of this." She had white stuff draining out of her mouth and her head was full of cradles cap to the worst degree. Her head was also stuck back on her shoulders from the severe neglect. She was also on a handful of meds. To be totally truthful with you. I was more nervous about keeping up with her rigorous med schedule than anything else that was currently going on with her. I drove straight to Killee and Dr. Douty and his staff were there waiting for me, even though the clinic had been closed for a good 30 minutes. Add that to my list of miracles. I was so blessed to have gotten through to his office before he had walked out the door. Dr. Douty told me the white stuff draining out her mouth was thrush. He said we needed to do stretches to get her head to raise off her shoulders, he trained me on how to feed a child with a feeding tube. He showed me the art of bolis feeding, He assured me that as broken as she was, she didn't need to be held any differently than any other child her age. He said, " We are normally gentle with this age and that will be just what she needs in order to heal. Her bones would heal beautifully because they were still so new, and that is why they didn't put her in a body cast. He said to just pay attention if any of them were tender. Her pelvis ring and legs proved to be the sorest of all the bones for 6 months during diaper changing time. Her arm had to be left in the sling, she never did use that arm much after it healed. I felt much more prepared for the task at hand after I left his office. He educated me on everything he could think of. He told me in the office I should really consider putting in a G button in her tummy to feed her. I had never heard of that term. Her feeding tube was only in her nose for three days when it got a clog in it. It just happened to be the middle of the night. I paced the floors in the kitchen for three hours trying to decide what I was going to do. I remembered CPS had given me a funny looking bottle. I learned later that it's called a pigeon bottle that's used to feed babies with out a top lip or a pallet in their mouths. I found the bottle, and Brett and I figured it out. It was a mess, milk drained out of her mouth all over the place. The one blessing that came from that night of pacing the floors, carrying this hungry little infant, was her head came off her shoulders and she never had a problem again. The next morning I called Scott and White gastroenterology, who was one of the many doctors that were on a list CPS had given me. They told me to come on in so they could put her tube back in her nose. While I was there I told them to teach me how to do it. They said, :Are you sure?" I said, "Absolutely!" I was now reinstalling that feeding tube every couple days. The tape would not keep it in securely. I finally said, "Heck with the tube! We're going to have to teach her to drink out of the pigeon bottle. It's funny because I wasn't intimidated by any of the medical issues with her. I had never encountered anything even close to this experience, but I had planned on being a nurse since I was 7 years old, when I was laying in the hospital, after being hit by a car.. This all seemed like a piece of cake. I knew I just had to take it one issue at a time and we would get along just fine with her medical issues. The thing that scared me the most was, how in the world would I have time for my other 5 children? I was determined to figure that one out as well. I knew the Lord would not let the rest of my children suffer over Mariela's needs. He loved them all the same. I knew he would teach me if I asked. With all that confidence, came days of just the opposite. One particular day after Brett got home from work I met him at the door with my keys in my hand. I had to get out! I was taking care of two new born babies and four other children. I was buried in grief for my life with just Eathyn and my other children. I was grieving for my life that could of been with out a handicap child, that would now be with me into Brett and my retirement years. I grieved for my life, like I would a death. I was dieing inside due to all the responsibility I had. I was stuck in a place where I couldn't find the faith that was necessary to carry on. I got in the car and started to drive. I had no idea where I was going until I ended up on Sister Hammel's front porch. I got out of the car and ran up to her door. She came out and threw her arms around me. She was concerned something serious had happened because I couldn't quit crying. When the tears finally dried up and she realized why I was crying, she said, "Cindy, I know you know, you are doing the right thing, now you are just going to have to get yourself to remember that every moment of the day. When I started raising our Autistic son I found myself on my knees, sometimes several times an hour all day long. When you think you can't make it another moment with all you have to accomplish in a day; I want you to stop, go to your room, and get on your knees, and talk to the Lord. Ask Him to teach you how to accomplish everything that is required of you. I promise you, He will teach you! You will have the strength of the Lord with you and you will not feel the burden!" Those words were coming from the voice of an angel. They came with such power! I knew she was right! I said, "I haven't been praying because I am angry with Him, how could he ask me to do something this big and this difficult? How could He take my later years away from me? How do I pray if I am angry at Him?" I had never experienced that emotion, to that intensity, with the Lord before. She said," He is your Father in Heaven, do not be afraid to tell Him how you feel. Tell Him your angry at Him, tell Him you are having a hard time praying. Cindy, tell Him exactly how you feel. What ever you do, do not go another day without His help!" I went home that night and got on my knees and had a heart to heart talk with the Lord, and from that time forward I was on my knees several times a day. I would ride from one prayer to the next. If I was struggling with anything in the home I would turn to the Lord and I would receive answers immediately. He was by my side every step of the way. I could feel his spirit so strongly in my life. Does that mean I didn't struggle? Heavens no! I struggled every minute of the day. But I rarely found my self in a situation that would feel like it was more than I could handle. I remember for months after Mariela came to our home my cheeks would ache from smiling so much. But, the task at hand that accompanied those smile was no small accomplishment. I didn't realize how sheltered I was from that burden until I would look back at pictures of our two infants together during those first couple years and I was shocked to think I was their mother. They felt like little strangers when I would look at the pictures. I thought, "I could not possibly take on that large of a responsibility." People would ask, "How do you do it? How do you take care of all your children so well?" I told them it wasn't as hard as it looked, and I was being completely truthful saying that. But, when I would look at those pictures, It would nearly cripple me. It was one of the hardest experiences anyone could ever go through. It was very uncomfortable looking at those pictures for a while because looking in on the situation was actually harder than living the tale. Heavenly Father made my burden light every day of Mariela's life. I did not consciously recognize the burden until just before she went to her Aunt and Uncles house. And from there, not again until Ryan was born. Recovering from the pregnancy and delivery with Ryan, and caring for a third child in three years was just about more than I could figure out how to accomplish. I never felt broken again as I did a couple years earlier when I went to the Hammels, but I needed more help, and boy did He send help!
The initial grieving of bringing a handicap child into our home, faded over time, and I wanted nothing more for my earthly life than to take care of this angel for as long as her and I both lived. For many months I told Brett I didn't feel like she would be with us very long. It really bothered me, I felt like maybe that was some morbid wishful thinking. I couldn't explain how I knew, but I often felt little glimpses of knowledge, I new she would be here for only a short time. I didn't know how to interpret the word "short." I didn't know if that meant a year, or three or ten or twenty. It didn't take long for me to gain a full understanding. When she was 10 months old she left our home for 6 weeks, I was prepared for her initial departure because I had that feeling for so long. But, eventually the peace left and I was in a world of hurt. I could not function without her. I missed her to the center of my core. She was a part of me. We ended up having to fight for custody again but that was a small sacrifice to have her back in our life again. Once she was awarded back to our care, I never had that feeling of her being here for a small amount of time again.
