Waiting - Again!!!

I feel like I just went through these exact same feelings, I'm experiencing right now. It seems like yesterday Brett and I were waiting for Eathyn, and now we are waiting for Mariela. In less than 48 hours Brett and I will be put on the stand to fight for custody, for this sweet little baby that was abused so badly. It's been a wonderful week! The spirit has been so strong in our home as we have been debating on weather or not to trust our deepest feelings. We know now, without any doubts, it will be okay to expand our family once more, even though Eathyns only 9 weeks old.  Miracles are guiding this child into our home.  The first time I heard Mariela's name was on Oct. 27th.  Brett was sitting with the family at the dinner table.  He was telling  us about a child he'd heard of while sitting with a couple CPS case workers.  He repeated the story as it had happened earlier that day, "A couple CPS case workers were talking about a little girl today, and I said, 'what are you talking about?' They proceeded to tell me about this little infant that  has 11 broken bones from abuse. It sounds like she was also born with a cleft pallet and cleft lip.  I told them if they couldn't find a home for her to let us know and we'd take her in."  We all felt so sad for this little infant, until he said the part, "I told them we'd take her in."  I looked down at Eathyn in my arms, who's only 6 weeks old, thinking, 'how could we possibly do that?'  The next day he called me from work  and said, "You're not going to believe this.  One of those CPS case workers I was talking to yesterday,  just called me.  She said they really want to find this child a good home and wondered if I was being serious.  Cindy, I tell them that same thing almost every time I hear of children like this, I can't believe she called me this time. What do you think Cindy, do you think we could bring her into our home?"  It felt like he had just knocked the wind out of me.  I said, "Well... I guess we could pray about it."  He told them we would consider it.  That conversation with Brett was on a Tuesday the 28th.  By mid afternoon on Wednesday the 29th, Brett called me from work and said, "Are you sitting down?  Cindy, it typically takes weeks to get medical records once you have requested them, and it takes even longer than that to get a home study in place.  I am holding 500 pages of medical records in my hands for this sweet little girl, When I went to request her records they just printed them all up and handed them to me.  In fact, they gave them to me with out the proper signatures from the courts.  I have no legal standing to be requesting her medical records.  I've requested medical records thousands of times over the years and I've never once been able to get them on the spot. If that's not miraculous enough, listen to this; We have a home study scheduled for tomorrow night, Thursday Oct. 30th.  I said, "Surely you know these people, they must like you."  He said, I had to use an agency I had never worked with before."   All I could do was laugh.  You could feel angels among us.  I was not experiencing any warning signs to indicate this was not a good idea, and let me tell you, I was definitely looking for them.  On Friday Oct. 31st, I was praying for answers, No one was home except for Eathyn, and he was asleep. I kneeled down in my room and offered up the deepest, heart felt prayer, I have ever uttered in my life.  I needed an answer from my Father in Heaven that was clear and undeniable.  I knew I would be facing trials beyond my wildest imagination if we took this child in.  I needed an answer that would stay with me when doubts would come, because I knew they would come in buckets full through the years ahead of me, while I cared for this handicap child.  After praying for a while I walked into the living room and sat on the recliner.  I had not been sitting there longer than a minute or two, when I heard the words, "Your life has been saved for a special purpose." I immediately recognized those words, I'd heard them many times before,. but I couldn't remember where I'd heard them.  It only took me a few minutes to recall, they were the words written in the first sentence of my patriarchal blessing. I flew out of the recliner, and as I ran to my room the tears started to pour down my cheeks.  Mariela was the reason I had lived through an accident that should have killed me when I was 7 years old!  The doctors were all humbled to witness the miracle, that had saved my life on that dreadful day in November of 1981.  I had been hit by a car while delivering a news paper with my cousin Danielle.  The doctors only gave me a 20% chance to live.  They were preparing my parents for the worst.  I pulled through the life threatening injuries and the doctors couldn't explain it.  As the tears were pouring down my cheeks, I am frantically looking for my blessing.  I had not read it in years, I had no idea where it was.  I finally found it.  I sat on the edge of my bed and read the top line, "Your life has been saved for a special purpose."  My tears turned into wracking sobs.  I was this child's mother! I heaved in a lung full of air over and over again.  The Lord was asking Brett and I to take in this child.  I knew in my heart she was coming to me with mental retardation. All her tests looked normal according to her medical records but I knew differently.  I started to to scream.  I was terrified beyond description.  How could I possibly take in a special needs child on top of a new born baby and 4 other children?  I immediately picked up the phone and called my dad for much needed strength from the priesthood and from my father.  I was crying so hard I couldn't seem to calm myself down.  I knew with out a doubt in my mind, I was Mariela's mother.  I finally found my voice and squeaked out my testimony on the matter,  I read the words of my patriarchal blessing to him. He said very quickly and adamantly,  "That does not mean you are her mother! You have 5 other children, that is a very special purpose don't you think?"  I adamantly spoke back, "NO DAD!" I know I am this child's mother!" I proceeded to cry many tears of fear.  My Dad calmed down some and said, "Cindy, we have taught you to pray and to follow the answers you receive.  If you feel like this is what the Lord wants, than everything will be okay."  I needed to hear his reassurances.  His doubts on the subject did not confuse me, I knew what I knew, to be true.  There is nothing that would ever diminish that answer that came so clearly to my mind.  I have been waiting for a handicap child for as far back that I can remember, into my young adult years.  Each time I got pregnant I was always relieved on the day of the sonogram appointment, because I was still only being asked to raise perfectly healthy children. I new I would someday raise a handicap child.  I just didn't expect it to be with such awful timing.  I had just had a new baby!  There wasn't a single doctor in her medical records that  had confirmed to CPS that she was mentally retarded, but I knew it was true!  The rest of the evening was full of more miracles.  All the kids came home and got ready for trunk-or-treating.  When we got to the church, the foyer was full of medical students and residents who were members of our ward. Two of those doctors had been working in the ER the night Mariela came in.  Just mentioning a couple of her medical details immediately jogged their memory.  They both said in their own words at different times, "That baby was so beautiful and so calm for having as many broken bones as she had.  She was perfectly content as long as we didn't move her around.  She was so bright eyed and so smiley. They had spoken with her birth parents and had witnessed their natures.  The staff that night are the ones who called CPS.  I was sitting with the very Doctors that had taken care of this little girl.  I couldn't believe my ears!! All I could do was laugh, that light laughter that comes when you are so full of amazement, there's nothing else you can do, but laugh.  After talking with those doctors in full detail of her injuries we went home to a house full of people.  Earlier that day, I had invited a bunch of ward members over after we were all done trick-or-treating.  One of the ward members was Karen Hammel.  She has a 35 year old son that is autistic and still living at home.  I ended up changing Eathyns diaper and she had followed me in there.  I told her what was going on in my life.  I knew she could understand the fear that was involved with a decision like this.  I cried and cried! it was an additional miracle to me that she was standing in my nursery.  She can sympathize with full understanding.  I borrowed some of her strength.  She has made it 35 years.  She said, "you will make it with the help of our Father in Heaven. I Promise!" Another person that was there was Deena Widman.  I found out that night, she is a nicu nurse.  She ended up in the room with us as well.  She is so supportive and positive with me.  I wish I could say she filled me with a great deal of confidence with the things she told me, but there was not an ounce of hope in the air.  I was riding on the wings of angels that I could not see, I had received an answer that I could not deny, I was still feeling miracles take shape in my life, even at that very moment with those women.  But, I was more terrified than I had ever been in my life!    On Saturday of that week, November 1st, Brett and I had dinner with one of our closest friends, who is an ER doctor at Scott N White.  We wanted to sit with him in a quiet place and have him review Mariela's medical records.  After scanning through all the pages he said, "The worst thing I see here is something called diabetes incipitus.  This  child doesn't look too complicated."  But, I still felt a definite uneasiness, I had a strong assumption she was the handicap child I always new I'd raise.  From this weeks miracles, there are two things I know for sure; I know that we have a Father in Heaven who loves each one of us individually.  He cares about where we are during every moment of our lives. He loves us, and will help sustain each and every one of us, no matter how badly we have been hurt. He will heal our every wound; weather it's physical, spiritual or emotional. He has the power to make us whole again. I know this with all of my heart. Secondly, I know  He has a plan for us, he hasn't forgotten about any of his children. Even this little Mariela who has been abused, I know he loves her and cares about her hurt little body. I know he has a plan on how to help her through this life. I have watched him orchestrate miracle after miracle, to move barriers that are typically in place.  He wants her in our home and he wants her here immediately! He is willing to be the captain of our souls if we allow Him in.  I wish I could say I have full faith in Him, but all I can say at this point is, there have been angels among us this week on the Lord's errand.  There is nothing that could explain those miracles except one thing, "He lives!"  I am terrified because of my human mind, and lack of experience on how to face large trials, but full of peace that is pushing me forward. I know Brett and I will have help from above, to raise this little abused infant.