On Sept. 7th, 2012 I received a call from the foster agency where Brett and I are certified foster parents. They said they had a baby for us to care for that had a bad heart. His name is Alexavier and he was still in the NICU. He was born at 24 weeks and was now officially 5 weeks past full term. I was very excited to be caring for another special needs child. I went up to see him that afternoon. I was nervous to say the very least. I was going into a situation that wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I had signed up to be a foster parent. I had originally decided to do foster care with special needs children that were adoptable so I wouldn't have to worry about any parents that still had rights. This situation was definitely not what I had planned on. But this child was available and needing a set of parents desperately! I said a pray in the car before going into the hospital. I told the Lord I felt like I was being led into this situation but that I was scared. I told him I was going to have perfect faith and believe that he would guide my heart and tell me how to feel. I fall in love with every child I meet that is in need. I always have from a very young age. My favorite song growing up was "Because I have been given much and Divine Nature which is one of the Young Woman value songs." I was going in to meet a child that was clearly not adoptable. How could I care for him and not fall helplessly in love with him? I had already lost Mariela and Marilyn this year. I knew I couldn't loose anything more and stay in one piece. I had decided then and there that I was going to have the faith necessary to see this through. I went into the hospital with a good feeling over all but at the same time I felt frustrated with my self that I was not sticking to my guns. Brett and I went up for the next 10 days almost every feeding to hold him and feed him. My house never suffered, my kids were all in great moods, I had plenty of energy to attend to this babies needs. I definitely felt the Lord guiding us but was terrified beyond belief too. I had to keep telling my self I was going to have perfect faith. I was going to let the Lord guide my heart through this ordeal and trust I would arrive at a point in my life that I could handle despite my own fears. I felt like the Lord wanted something different and I know better than to want anything different than what the Lord wants. I like what he does with my life when I let him guide me. I never felt good about what was happening to my mind. It was in constant commotion. I was so confused. How could something feel so right yet so wrong, all at the same time? Every time I felt like reverting back to my original decision to only care for adoptable children I couldn't bring myself to quit visiting him. While I was on the way to the hospital and at the hospital it just seemed right and natural. Brett and I talked a lot about it and we decided it was right to just keep going for now. The Lord was opening up doors to make him a part of our life. I felt very good when I was up seeing him and caring for him. A couple times, I felt like I was bonding with him like a mother would and that terrified me beyond belief. There was no part of me that wanted to adopt another child. I see being a foster parent to special needs children as a way to work and a challenge that I enjoy so much with out leaving my home and children. I can not wait to smother them with love like nobody else is willing to do in this world. I tried time and time again to change my mind and not accept him as a foster child, especially when I was experiencing deep feelings of love for him start to form, but, once again I couldn't. Then something happened when I went to Dallas with the girls and Eathyn and Ryan. I was stressed to the absolute max. I couldn't handle any more stress. My brain was shutting down quick. I was terrified, I was having serious warning signs of a nervous break down. After struggling all day I said a prayer and apparently so did Rachel because she was so concerned for me. And I felt better instantly. When I got home I went up to the hospital as usual. I realized after a day or two more that I did not agree with the care this beautiful little infant was getting. I didn't have a voice because I was chosen to be his foster mom but not yet officially and legally. I couldn't speak my mind to the doctors without upsetting the whole legal system. I called the foster agency and told them I either needed to be officially assigned or I needed to step back until this infant was ready to be released from the hospital. At this point he was getting worse and worse. They were really doing a crappy job caring for him. I realized something as I was sitting with him those last few days. This child is a part of a system that I can not break. He's just another name to everyone else involved. What's truly best for him will never ever happen. CPS would return him to his mother or screwed up family in a heart beat and it's not my job to fight for every child. I started loving him as my own but stopped dead in my tracks when I realized I had to stop trying to save every child out there that didn't have a good home. Heavenly Father has a mission for them and I can't possibly assume they are all suppose to be with me. I realized for the first time, when I couldn't fight for this child in the hospital, that Alex is a foster child. If I'm going to do foster care I have got to change my frame of mind and start treating him like one if I expect to help other children in the future with my foster certification. A very necessary process was taking place. The hand of the Lord was truly in this madness that I was holding onto. I wrote the letter to the foster agency and told them I was not comfortable with what was going on at the hospital. I told them to make me a foster parent immediately or I was stepping out until he was ready to be released so they could officially assign him to us. I was then 100% comfortable leaving him in the hands of the state where he evidently belongs. Knowing full well that if Brett and I continued to visit him with out officially being his foster parents we could win custody of him in a court of law with out batting an eye. While I was following my heart I had learned how to be a foster parent, something I didn't think I could ever learn. I also learned as I was following my heart that I definitely, without question, only want to foster those children that have nurses. Nursing hours had been denied for Alex. Brett and I were prepared to take him on with out a nurse because I felt it was right to keep visiting him. I have learned with out question, I hope, that it's special needs, with a nurse, with and with out being adoptable that I want to do. I really don't care weather they are adoptable or not any more. I feel like I have learned this job is a job, and I intend to love these children and treat them like gold while they are in our home. But, I have a very strong resolution that they are the states responsibility and I am just a sweet little in between for them. The nurses will mainly care for them, which is a must for my life and the lives of my children. I will over see that they are being treated and cared for perfectly and we will love and cherish them while they are in our home. This sweet little baby Alexavier that's in the pictures below was a little angel that taught me a whole heck of a lot. I sent the email to the foster agency first thing Monday morning and didn't expect to hear back from them. Tuesday afternoon we received a call from the foster agency. They left a message stating CPS had withdrew, they were going to send Alexavier to live with his grandmother who was already raising four other children for Alexavier's mother. I was okay with that. We wish we could save all the little children, of all ages, that don't have good homes, but Brett and I have decided we can only be an instrument for the Lord and not try and do the whole job single handedly all the time. I am so thankful for all that I have learned. And I'm so glad my kids were able to be a part of it even though it was for such a short time.
