Most Recent

Most recently... Actually, it all started  about 3 months before Mariela died.  I remember standing at Mariela's side while she was laying in her crib.  I turned to Marilyn and said, "I love taking care of this little angel."  I felt myself thriving in a way I'd never expected could be possible.  Here I was a mother of 6 very wonderful healthy children and  to a seventh, very physically and mentally handicap child. I told Mare,  "I feel completely fulfilled." I felt like I was in heaven.  I loved what I was doing.  Mariela's care was changing.  Her care was always a big job but now she was requiring blood draws several times a week.  That is when she was in the process of dying and we had absolutely no idea.  I am so glad I was spared that knowledge because every day with her was very special.  Had I known her body was shutting down I'd been beside myself.  I was standing there at her side that day and realized I was doing what I knew I'd do ever since I was in the 6th grade when I researched my favorite topic, nursing.  While I was standing at her side, it all felt very familiar.  I'd known for longer than my days on this earth that I'd care for Mariela.  I didn't care if I stood at her side for the next 40 years.  This is where I wanted to be with all my heart and soul." I've had lots of comforting, happy thoughts during all the days that I took care of her but that day forward was very different.  I was now cathing her when necessary, and drawing her sweet little blood and I could take care of her quite well.  I'd rather do all the details of her care than allow someone else to.  I loved that little girl so much! I think back and realize there was so much more I could have done, could have been for her and I hate that thought.  I miss her so much! She will be one of my dear friends in the next life, I have no doubt.  I wish I could fast forward this life to have her by my side again.  I miss her strong spirit in my life so much.  With in weeks of that initial, new feeling, she was gone.  (I thought the tears were finally dried up for her death, I was wrong) I miss her so much, it hurts to the very center of my core.  I'm convinced, only someone that's lost a child knows what it feels like to hurt that deeply.  It's a horrible feeling that comes in waves. ( I know I've mentioned this several times in my posts but I find it fascinating every time it happens ) I love how Heavenly Father has designed grief.  Just when you feel like you can't take another second of that heart wrenching sadness,  he lifts it and everything goes numb.  He truly loves us.  Back to what I was saying before I caught my self bawling,  A week after her death I felt this inner peace and strength.  I new I would be doing something great with the lessons I'd learned taking care of Mariela.  I didn't have a clue what that ment but I new I would.  I felt this "awe" inside.  Of course, as usual, I remember sitting in my piano room talking to Marilyn.  I told her what I was thinking.  It was a very peaceful afternoon, I don't think I'll ever forget it. Within days Brett and I were feeling drawn to the idea of becoming certified foster parents for special needs children.  I knew I was in the midst of grief deeper and thicker than I'd ever known in my life but we pressed forward with the feeling any ways, knowing full well that someday we would be a safe distance from the grief and then we could take in more special needs children.  Mariela passed away almost 5 months ago.  CPS has called us two or three different times to take in  another child.  All three times we have referred them to the foster agency we are certified with.  Just two days ago, cps called again and said, "we'd really like to see this child be placed with you and your wife.  She's 16 months old."  She has a birth defect that is very similar to Mariela's.  We referred them to the agency again.  This is the first child that's come along since we were actually certified.  CPS didn't care with the past couple children, for some reason, they'd given us a child again with out being certified. (which is very unusual) Our agency gave CPS our home study and it is in the working to bring her to our home.  Today as I started my special fast for a dear friend of our family, Sister Dewey.  I thought I'd also fast for a greater portion of the spirit to be in my life.  CPS had called us out of the blue and wanted us to adopt a little special needs child.  I have found it very interesting that all day as I'm praying for this little girl named Jalynn, my mind in drawn to Natalie.  I've gotten some really strong impressions I need to pray for her and her opportunity to come to our family.  I feel like I'm being prepared, again.  I immediately got so angry with my self!!!!!!! What is wrong with me? Why is Natalie Nicole coming to my mind?  Since the day after I heard about Jalynn, Jalynn has rarely even crossed my mind.  I don't even have a feeling when it comes to her. I don't feel scared or nervous. I don't feel anything! I've thought that to be very strange.  Here's this child that CPS is preparing to come to our home and I rarely think about her.  So today I thought, "well, I better include her in my fast".  When I stopped to say a personal prayer during my fast, I got to the part in my prayer about Jalynn  and Natalie came into my mind out of the blue. The feelings started to grow very quickly.  The more I pushed Natalie out of my mind the stronger the feelings got that I needed to pray for her.  I've also been praying for the Lord to please go easy on me.  I don't feel like I can handle any more disappointment or confusion when it comes to listening to the spirit. Natalie is the last person  that I expected to flood my mind during my fast today. I've hardly put a whole lot of thought into her lately.  She was finally settling peacefully somewhere in the back of my head and now she was flooding my mind again and at the most unexpected time!!! As much as I don't want to adopt any more children,  It's hard to explain why Natalie would be okay to let into our life,  in our later years like this, and no other child would be.  Needless to say, we told CPS no about adopting this other little girl.  I couldn't seem to keep her on my mind, how could I possibly become her mother?  The spirit had clearly answered my prayer and Natalie was the tool to make that answer very clear. Very interesting...

Besides the feeling to become a foster parent, a couple of other exciting things are happening in my life. Shortly after Mariela died we were asked  two different times to share her story with others in our community to help raise awareness about child abuse.  After that, Brett and I decided to sit on the board for the child abuse prevention center in bell county, called Aware Central Texas.  A couple of weeks later, I was asked to take a month long course to become certified to teach parenting courses for abusive parents.  I am thrilled with the possibility of teaching on the very subject that is one of my greatest passions.  Then, one day I received an email from a lady that works at Aware. She said the special needs network just called and asked for the prevention center to come educate the parents with special needs children on how to discipline their children appropriately. She asked me if I would prepare a speech on the subject and come with her.  I was so excited! I could hardly believe I was getting the opportunity to do something else that I felt so drawn to.  I know the Lord's hand is orchestrating everything that's going on and I feel honored to be His mouth piece and His hands.