Mariela's Thinking Spot

Mariela died eight months ago this week.  She lived three and a half years.  She died of lung disease. She didn't breath correctly due to her birth defect and her diaphragm eventually grew into her lungs. Her lungs didn't develop enough to support the amount of oxygen her body needed to survive.  There are no words to describe what my life has been like since the doctors told me she would not live much longer.  There has only been a part of one week since that time, that I have felt somewhat okay.  Every other minute for the last 8 months my heart has felt broken and un- repairable.   It's been hard to go on living.  I still don't know what to do with my extra energy and time.  I had a friend on Sunday say, "I feel completely overwhelmed with 4 children and you have 6.  Don't you feel overwhelmed?"  The answer to that question is, No. I feel overwhelmed but not for the same reason she does.  I was very accustomed to doing much more with my days than I do now.  Caring for my six children is a piece of cake compared to the way my life was when Mariela was alive. I feel like I'm missing a part of my heart, I'm missing a child who filled up every second of my day along with my other children. I knew from the time I was very young this sweet little handicap child would come into my life.  I looked forward to, and anticipated the time I would care for her and now she's gone.  I feel like a different person not having her as a part of my mission.  I feel like I am completely out of tough with what it is the Lord wants me to do for him now that she is gone.
I have been consciously putting off finishing Mariela's grave side.  I can not even go out there with out taking myself to a place that makes it even more difficult to function.  If that is not bad enough, we had to pick a stone and words for it that would some how represent her and her life, now that she is laying there in the ground.  I could not bring myself to even think about it.  I instantly needed a nap any time I thought about it.  Needless to say, I've napped a lot these last 8 months. Brett wanted a great big huge stone and I tended to lean toward a small cute little stone because she was still so small.  We went back and forth about the two size options for a long time.  Truth be told, I didn't even want a head stone.  I couldn't bear the thought of her name and death date being in writing.  About two months ago I decided it was time to install the boarder  around her plot.  The concrete man called me when it was done and I sent him a check.  Usually I want to check the work of my contractors but that meant I'd have to go out to the cemetery.  I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker as the days pass, not stronger and stronger. I figure next time Eathyn asks to go out there, I'll look at it.  He's the only one that ever requests to go.  Apparently, it's not anyone's favorite place to go.  I believe we all have a firm testimony of where her spirits at, but that still doesn't make it any easier. Going to the place I know her  sweet little body is at, makes visiting far too difficult.  This weekend Brett and I went away for two days.  We decided to work on the words we want to put on her head stone.  We picked the head stone out a couple months ago, but have had a terrible time narrowing down the perfect words that could adequitly describe an angel.   I knew we had the right words when all I could do was sit and sob.  The words described, nearly perfectly, how my heart felt for her.  I cried and cried.  I miss her so much! When my tears dried up, I slept hard.  I am finally one step closer to finalizing her head stone.  I just sent an email with our plans to three differenet memorial companies. I'm hoping for Eathyn's sake, once I have her headstone in place and a bench and a tree out there, that It will be easier to go visit "Mariela's thinking spot.". I plan to make it a beautiful and relaxing place to go visit. Some where in the back side of my heart I feel like maybe I will find my self going there, like I use to go to the temple when life got hard when I was a teenager.  But right now, that is not how I feel about her grave side.  I think part of the reason is because I  have felt the weight of her precious little life on my shoulders at the very thought of picking a stone, a ROCK for my daughter.  How is a mother suppose to do that?  I hate the very thought! But, the one we have picked out will truly describe her beautiful little body and amazing spirit that she graced us with the three and a half years she was on this earth.  I still can't believe she's gone! Brett and I also decided to engrave the poem Brandon wrote about her while she was dieing, on a stone and put it out there as well.  That will be super sweet!!!

This is what we finally did for her special little spot where her body is laying.  I miss my little girl so much.

 Brett wrote these words in 5 minutes.  The words just flowed out of his mouth and I started to write.  I was so happy with the way her stone turned out.  It's the closest thing we could come up with to honor the special place she has in our hearts.

The words on her grave stone:

"Your life a miracle,

full of grace and dignity.

In your eyes, Heaven,

In your presence, Eternity.

A body imperfect,

through you, we learned charity.

No words did you speak,

your smile brought tranquility.

A blessing from God,

you taught us humility.

The peace you shared,

His proof of your nobility.

 When I was at Home Depot, I saw this little fountain and it took my breath away.  It reminded me of the way  Mariela and Eathyn would be if Mariela had use of her legs when she was alive.  Eathyn loved playing with water any chance he could get away with and Mariela watched every move he would make.  She loved Eathyn so much! If she had the chance there's no doubt in my mind she would be right at his side playing in the water too.  This fountain was perfect to honor their sweet little relationship.

Each year on Mariela's  birthday, since the day she died, we go out to her grave side and fill up balloons and send letters to her to heaven. We also tie our testimonies to the balloons, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In hopes that where ever the balloon lands, we may be able to share our beliefs of Heaven and Earth with some one that may be feeling lost.  It's been a very special tradition for our family.  It's brought a little bit of purpose to her death for each one of us.