After all the going back and forth I finally decided to go to Pennsylvania to see Marilyn Stoner who is my closest, dearest friend out side of Brett. Her and I went to the DC temple yesterday to do a session. What a special experience that was to be in a place that brought us both so close to Heaven and so close to our daughters. I realized while I was in the celestial room that the sweet feelings I get in the celestial room are the same feelings I use to feel at the side of Mariela, and when Marilyn and I would work together to care for her needs. It reiterated in my mind the wonder of why I have had such a hard time accepting the fact Marilyn and Mariela have both left my life. The feelings that were felt at Mariela's side while Mare and I cared for her, were so strong. The spirit was always so close by. What a choice, choice experience. I feel so honored to know that Heavenly Father blessed me with both of these woman. Our experience at the temple was so sweet and so perfect. I will never forget it as long as I live. Her and I sat in the celestial room for probably an hour. We never run out of things to talk about. I feel like there's never a feeling that's shared that's not perfectly understood between the two of us. I hope to be able to identify why I can't put my gratitude for both of these woman into the right perspective and move on. I so desperately need to move forward. Having both Mariela and Marilyn in my home was a heavenly experience. Together witnessed heaven and earth combine. Marilyn and I felt numerous times that our meeting was not just by chance. We became instant friends. When I say instant, that's exactly what I mean. Something happened during our first conversation, outside of orientation. We were friends instantly, both heart and soul. She stayed with me for a year and a half and helped me care for Mariela through the most difficult time of my life. Then one day Mariela was gone and so was Marilyn. I am going to fast tomorrow that I can put the friendship I have with her to rest and start a new one that doesn't drag me back to those days continually. My heart literally breaks every single day that these two sweet angels are no longer in my home. The grief of missing Mariela and Marilyn is so tiring. I want to move forward. Missing Mariela falls into a different category because, I don't have to figure out how to get use to the different dynamics of our friendship when I have been use to something so completely different. I don't know how to do it. I hope the Lord will guide me through the transition. It's been 6 months and it's been difficult every single moment of those 6 months. I want this trial to be over once and for all. I want to enjoy our friendship but not long for it to be like it was when Mariela was alive because it will never be that way again. NEVER!!! I want the heart ache to go away for good. I want to leave Pennsylvania with a different friendship that's not tied to the old one. I want this more than anything I have ever wanted. I can feel it's holding me back from my full potential and I want the pain and grief, the longing and the mourning to leave. I want to celebrate the new friendship that we have because that's absolutely all we have, it will never be the way it use to be. How come I have to hurt so badly over something I can not change. My mind says we are suppose to have a larger role in each others lives but reality slaps me in the face continually. Marilyn is in complete acceptance of the new friendship our lives demanded. Why can't I be. I want to change! I want to get to the point she's at. I want to not feel like we are suppose to talk every day to feel like life is okay. I want to be okay with a month or three months passing, with out talking, if that's where life takes us and still feel like my life is not breaking into a thousand pieces. I want to have fond memories of the days we were working closely together in my home and feel at peace now that we are not able to do so. I am fasting.... surely he will put this new friendship into perfect perspective for me and I will be able to say good bye to her in three days with out looking back. I want to see my life move forward with out my heart hurting beyond all reason.
Growing up too soon!
June 24, 2023 We have all called these two “The Little Boys” since the day Ryan was born and I have always called Eathyn Little Boy Blue and Ryan Tiny boy blue. I was sitting at the air port this week seeing the Little Boys (Eathyn’s almost 15 and Ryan’s going on 13) off to Georgia to stay with Hannah and Austin for a week. Austin’s out there selling pest control for the summer. He also just closed on his dream ranch that’s 303 acres in Arkansas. I am so impressed and so proud of his grit! He’s only 25 years old! As I was sitting there with the little boys, a Flight attendant came to pick them up and walk them onto the airplane. As they stood up, I looked at them next to each other and realized I felt like I had never seen them in the light I was seeing them in at that moment. They were so big and so incredibly cute and so incredibly handsome all at the same time. I wanted to capture that moment and remember it forever, but the flight attendant whisk them away! I called out to Ryan ho
