MIRACLES
I have received so many tender mercies from my Father in Heaven this year. How deeply grateful I feel for the recognition of His hand in my life. The year started out with significant miracles in February. I was putting my makeup on in Rebekah's room while waiting for Marilyn to arrive for her day shift with Mariela. Out of no where I heard, "Marilyn is going to move to Pennsylvania." I was so shocked and so sad. Five minutes later she walked through my front door and said, "I need to tell you something," I said, "I know what you're going to say, you're moving to Pennsylvania aren't you?" She said, "How did you know?" I told her the experience I'd had before she arrived. I am taken to a heavenly place even at the mention of Marilyn's name, but I am taken there even more so, thinking about how miraculous it really was that Heavenly Father was so aware of my tender feelings, that he would give me those thoughts about her moving before she even told me. It made me recognize His hand in my life more clearly than ever before. He loves me so much that he came to me in a time he knew would be one of the most difficult experiences of my life. He has held me and comforted me all the way through this difficult experience of having Marilyn and Mariela move on and leave my life. What I can't figure out is why he brought them into my life if he knew it would be so terribly difficult to loose them both? As I was typing that question I had the answer even before I got to the end of the sentence. If Mariela and Marilyn had never come into my life, Heavenly Father would of never been able to show His love for me as clearly as he has. He knew that was how I would experience heaven and earth combine, and in turn that knowledge would prepare me for the rest of my life. After Marilyn confirmed she was going to move away I got this feeling, and I told her, "that must mean Mariela is not going to live very much longer." Marilyn said, "oh-I'm sure she will." And I said, "Mare, how can that be? I know without a doubt that we were meant to care for her together." I couldn't imagine one of you in my life with out the other. I said, "If you're moving on, I'm sure her time on this earth is almost over." I pushed those thoughts away as quickly as they came and never thought about them again, until after she had passed away. Marilyn and I sat and cried our little eyes out. I could hardly bear the thought of losing this special woman who had blessed my life so much. Little did I know at the time, just how much she would end up blessing my life. Before she walked through my front door that morning, we were boss and employee and there I was crying in her arms like a little girl. She had become my dearest friend while caring for my daughter. It was very clear to both of us, just hours after she started her first shift at my house, that we new we'd be doing this together even before we came to earth. The impression I got that Mariela wouldn't live much longer entered my heart and felt so natural, it was as if I had read this story before and had already peaked at the ending before reading the whole thing. There was no denying it, that impression came straight from the Lord. With in six weeks Mariela was dead. Marilyn was not only there to help me raise her but the third miracle of the year was she was there to help me escort her back to Heaven. My Heavenly Father has felt so close to me; I've seen him orchestrate so many blessings to help me along the way. The brother of Jared saw the hand of the lord, I know with a surety that I have too. He has been with me every second of the way; making it known to me that He is real and that he loves me. About four weeks after Marilyn announced she was moving, Mariela was diagnosed with a death sentence and was dead twelve days later. I was walking with a cross on my back. I didn't think I could make it as I walked through the valley of death with Mariela. But, as the minutes and hours passed, and turned into days I had this sweet little angel by my side. Marilyn was there to care for Mariela's medical needs and to keep her comfortable; therefore, I was able to just sit and hold her, up until her last minutes alive when Brett took her into his arms and she took her last breath. While I was holding her, there were many times I felt like I was literally going to drown in grief. I could not let this beautiful little girl go, I could not quit taking care of her, I could not live even one day of my life with out being her mother. Those were the most difficult moments of my life. All I could do was hold her and cry. Sometimes I would sob heart wrenching cries and pray with all my heart for my Father in Heaven to some how keep me in one piece. It was terrifying to feel myself dying inside as she got closer to the end. How would I put Mariela's loss behind me? I had six other children I had to keep living for. I hesitate even mentioning what I am about to write, because I hold these thoughts so near and dear to my heart. But, I know that it was truly a miracle, and I never want to forget the effect it had on me during Mariela's passing: During the very most difficult moments I found myself looking into Marilyn's eyes, she would look at me and hold my gaze until I could breath again. There was never a word spoken about it until weeks after Mariela's death. It happened several times an hour the last three days of Mariela's life. I would look at Marilyn and she would literally hold me up as our spirits connected. It really was the most beautiful experience, something I have never heard of happening to someone before. That connection got me through moments I know I could not have made it through alone. Evidently the Lord knew I could not do it alone either, because He's the one that sent Marilyn into my home. As I was watching my daughter slip away in my arms, Marilyn's eyes were like a window to heaven. I would feel her spirit say, "You can do this... we knew we'd go through this: Mariela, you and I. We knew this day would come. Or, I know you will learn to live without her again, just like you did before she came to your family. It's going to be okay. I felt her silent yet physical strength; "I will not leave you until this night mere is over. I am here until you can finally pick yourself back up again." Sometimes it was just silent strength, straight from heaven that I would find looking into her eyes. I don't know how long I would look at Marilyn, but it was always long enough to help me pick up my spirit, dust it off, and face the harsh reality that Mariela was suffocating and would eventually run out of air. Another miracle I saw, occurred while Marilyn and I stood by Mariela's side during her final hours of being on this earth. We both experienced a very familiar feeling. We had the privileged of discussing this impression at her side while she was still alive. It was confirmed in our hearts, that we both knew long before this life that we would escort Mariela back to heaven together. We both recognized the task at hand. It was a humbling experience to feel the veil so thin as we stood there by her side and watched her slip away. We also recognized; this sweet little girl who was laying there passing from this earthly experience, also knew we were going face this challenge together. It was a very special experience. The three of us girls felt closer than ever before. That knowledge gave us (I feel like I can speak for Marilyn in this instance even though we've never actually discussed this particular part of the experience.) both great strength during those long tedious hours and three days of no sleep. It was a twenty four hour, around the clock job, to keep her comfortable as her lungs were shutting down. After being told she was going to die, the days passed and the answers came with ease. During each new phase of the dying process the initial shock was unbearable; I didn't think I could make such critical decisions. But, the answers came and I was pushed along by an unseen force. The Lord was walking by my side through the trauma of loosing my daughter. Heavenly Father was there to take her home. I would initially fight the doctors opinions but was comforted almost immediately every time. I hated the very fact that I knew in my heart there was nothing the doctors could do for her. She was suppose to return to her Father in Heaven. Marilyn and I worked side by side to escort her back home. Was that a coincidence? Heavens No!!! Heavenly Father loves me, and He is there to comfort me when faint and to hear my souls complaint. I know this with a surety, because of the association I had with Mariela and all the miracles that I saw during her lifetime. The last miracle I saw before Mariela died was the gift she gave me at the very end. She never, not one time in her life, show preference or separation anxiety to wards any one person. From the time the hospice doctor declared she was "dying" until three days later when she actually passed away, she showed preference and separation anxiety for me. If I was not holding her she would whimper, she would turn her head in my direction and cry out. Every one in the house saw, first hand, a miracle as real and as big for us as the parting of the red sea. Mariela was unable to do such a thing the entire three and a half years she was alive. I realized for the first time that Mariela loved me and she knew I was her mommy. She was completely comforted through the very worst, and up until the very end as long as I was holding her. At the end of the third day; when her respiratory rate exceeded 100 times a minute and she started to cry in my arms for the first time, I knew the end was drawing near. My mothers instinct knew; as I laid her in her bed that night, it would be the last time I would tuck her in bed, or tell her I loved her until I saw her again in heaven. She went to sleep that night and never woke up again. The miracle of her showing recognition that I was her mother was a gift greater than anything I could have ever anticipated for the hours and years I spent caring for this beautiful little girl who I loved more than the sun that rose again the next morning. Did I know there was a God? Absolutely! How else would a miracle like that happen, to a mentally and physically handicap child at the very end of her life, as she was dying? The miracles did not cease to occur after Mariela died. After her death, Marilyn's house didn't sale. I thought it was miraculous once again how she was there through all of the grief I inevitably had to experience after Mariela died. I couldn't believe how lost I was in a world that was so perfect, among my 6 other amazing children. But I was, and I knew the Lord was completely and totally aware of just how hard it was going to be for me. Everyday Marilyn's house didn't sale, I was on her door step, as she so perfectly guided me through the grieving process; that she knew so well from the days of grieving her own daughter Julie's death. We spent hours and days and weeks; 5 months to be exact, talking and crying. Eventually the laughing returned that was so common between her and I. Was Heavenly Father's hand still in my life? Could I see his flesh and bones? No, but I could clearly see that he had sent me an administering angel, to help me through every second of the toughest days of my life; Those days of caring for three little children, under three years old and then through the death and grieving from loosing one of them. Within days of being able to smile and even laugh, Marilyn announced she was leaving for Pennsylvania even though her house wouldn't sale. I was thankful I felt like the grief of Mariela's death would no longer suffocate me and I was starting to thrive again, because I knew the second part of my grieving was just about ready to start. Marilyn was moving away.
I've lost track of how many miracles I'd witnessed up to that point. It was now August, and the day or two before Marilyn moved; Rachel decided she wanted to home school this year, for her 6th grade year. That has proven to be miraculous in so many different ways. Rachel was home to care for Eathyn and Ryan so I could take in our first foster child we were shortly there after introduced to. Right after school started, I realized I had not taken care of, by my self,for even one day, my three babies I'd had in three years. The Lord was still blessing me beyond my wildest expectation. Marilyn helped me care for them from the time Ryan was 5 weeks old and Rachel was now home to help me. Home schooling has proven to be a miracle for Rachel as well. It's exactly what she needed as the middle child, to re-bond with her mother; after possibly being lost, after I had three babies in three years, one who had such highly special needs. What a very special, wonderful little girl Rachel is. I love having her by my side all day long. She is so much fun to talk to. She has wisdom beyond her years that I didn't realize she had before spending hours and hours with her every day. She teaches me so much about life. What a choice experience it has been for me to be her teacher for a season. Another tender mercy occurred the day after or the day of Marilyn's departure to Pennsylvania. I received a call from the foster agency; they had our first foster child they wanted to introduce us to. He was a 5 week old preemie who was just about ready to be discharged from the nicu. For the next 10 days I was lost in the commotion of caring for this child. I went to the hospital for every one of his day time feedings, on the side of caring for my other six children as well. I was in a very happy state. Taking care of needy children fills me up in a way that's hard to describe. I realized at the end of those 10 days; the lord had perfectly orchestrated a decoy in my mind from the grief that was going to occur when Marilyn pulled her moving truck out of town. After I was through working with this baby the grief came, but I had already established a new routine. I could tell I was protected some, from the initial shock and grief of loosing my closest friend. As the days continued on, my sweet administering angel was no longer in my home and not even living near by. The full depth of the grief set in and has been here since.
I went back and forth with the idea of taking Rachel to Pennsylvania to see Gettysburg, and the fall leaves the east coast is so famous for. I was scared to death to go because I didn't want to start my sadness all over again. I had made very little progress, if any at all, towards accepting Mare's departure. I was now grieving over the death of my daughter and the loss of a close friend all at the same time. I didn't want to prolong closure in any way. It was already difficult enough moving forward with my life, but I also wanted to take Rachel on a home school trip. Somewhere deep inside my heart I kept feeling, "maybe this trip will help put her move into perspective and make it easier to let go and move on." I thought that idea was absurd. How could going there possibly help me accept her moving on? With much persuasion from Brett, I finally booked my tickets. Miracles were still following me. The day we arrived, Marilyn received an email containing some legal papers for the sale of her house, in Texas. It was going to close within three days of our arrival. She told me about the email shortly after I walked through her door. I can't explain the feelings that went through my heart and mind. I asked myself, "Is this why I kept feeling like going to Pennsylvania was a good idea? Was this going to help me put things into perspective?" Boy! isn't the Lord clever? I could feel Him in my life more than ever. I thought, "If He is capable of performing miracles like this, surely he is capable of taking away the heartache that's accompanied the loss of these two wonderful people in my life." When she told me about the email, I felt sad beyond words, I felt angry, I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. She was definitely never coming back to Texas. I was going to miss her so much! I didn't want to accept it, but I was weary, I had no more fight in me. The next day after she printed up the email, she was a mess. She was so emotional to say the very least. I'd never seen her like that before. The idea came up to go to the temple. She didn't want to. She didn't know what she wanted. I said, "why don't the two of you go notarize those papers and get them in the mail? You can decide if you want to go to the temple or not while you're out." Here I was standing in her home in Pennsylvania and she was walking out the door to mail closing documents for her house. I couldn't Believe my eyes. I looked back to that day in February, when I got the impression she was going to move away, and realized I'd seen His hand in my life all along. I knew while they were running that errand, I needed to take the time to write down the miraculous journey it had been since the day she announced she was moving. I had a feeling coming to Pennsylvania would put her move into perspective for me, but little did I know I'd be by her side when the sale of her home back in Texas, become final. Unbelievable! No, it's not really hard to believe. The Lord has been orchestrating every moment of my life. He loves me so much! I am a daughter of God! That is the greatest miracle of all in this situation and He loves me as a father loves his daughter. Weather I'm keeping the commandments or not He loves me. It doesn't matter where I am in this earthly experience; I can be angry at God, and I've seen my fair share of those days, or I can be walking in the light. He loves me all the same and He is there. I was sitting on the counter in her kitchen writing down these miracles when she walked in. I didn't realize how strong the spirit was in the room until they came through the door. I felt a blanket of comfort around me. Some how, some way, I would learn to move forward and accept Mariela's death and Marilyn's departure from my life. Marilyn hesitantly decided to go to the temple. She was clearly still dragging her feet. But said, she wanted to go. We did a session and then sat in the celestial room side by side for probably another hour. We felt that heavenly closeness that we felt at Mariela's side. Our friendship is so dear to me.
I've lost track of how many miracles I'd witnessed up to that point. It was now August, and the day or two before Marilyn moved; Rachel decided she wanted to home school this year, for her 6th grade year. That has proven to be miraculous in so many different ways. Rachel was home to care for Eathyn and Ryan so I could take in our first foster child we were shortly there after introduced to. Right after school started, I realized I had not taken care of, by my self,for even one day, my three babies I'd had in three years. The Lord was still blessing me beyond my wildest expectation. Marilyn helped me care for them from the time Ryan was 5 weeks old and Rachel was now home to help me. Home schooling has proven to be a miracle for Rachel as well. It's exactly what she needed as the middle child, to re-bond with her mother; after possibly being lost, after I had three babies in three years, one who had such highly special needs. What a very special, wonderful little girl Rachel is. I love having her by my side all day long. She is so much fun to talk to. She has wisdom beyond her years that I didn't realize she had before spending hours and hours with her every day. She teaches me so much about life. What a choice experience it has been for me to be her teacher for a season. Another tender mercy occurred the day after or the day of Marilyn's departure to Pennsylvania. I received a call from the foster agency; they had our first foster child they wanted to introduce us to. He was a 5 week old preemie who was just about ready to be discharged from the nicu. For the next 10 days I was lost in the commotion of caring for this child. I went to the hospital for every one of his day time feedings, on the side of caring for my other six children as well. I was in a very happy state. Taking care of needy children fills me up in a way that's hard to describe. I realized at the end of those 10 days; the lord had perfectly orchestrated a decoy in my mind from the grief that was going to occur when Marilyn pulled her moving truck out of town. After I was through working with this baby the grief came, but I had already established a new routine. I could tell I was protected some, from the initial shock and grief of loosing my closest friend. As the days continued on, my sweet administering angel was no longer in my home and not even living near by. The full depth of the grief set in and has been here since.
I went back and forth with the idea of taking Rachel to Pennsylvania to see Gettysburg, and the fall leaves the east coast is so famous for. I was scared to death to go because I didn't want to start my sadness all over again. I had made very little progress, if any at all, towards accepting Mare's departure. I was now grieving over the death of my daughter and the loss of a close friend all at the same time. I didn't want to prolong closure in any way. It was already difficult enough moving forward with my life, but I also wanted to take Rachel on a home school trip. Somewhere deep inside my heart I kept feeling, "maybe this trip will help put her move into perspective and make it easier to let go and move on." I thought that idea was absurd. How could going there possibly help me accept her moving on? With much persuasion from Brett, I finally booked my tickets. Miracles were still following me. The day we arrived, Marilyn received an email containing some legal papers for the sale of her house, in Texas. It was going to close within three days of our arrival. She told me about the email shortly after I walked through her door. I can't explain the feelings that went through my heart and mind. I asked myself, "Is this why I kept feeling like going to Pennsylvania was a good idea? Was this going to help me put things into perspective?" Boy! isn't the Lord clever? I could feel Him in my life more than ever. I thought, "If He is capable of performing miracles like this, surely he is capable of taking away the heartache that's accompanied the loss of these two wonderful people in my life." When she told me about the email, I felt sad beyond words, I felt angry, I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. She was definitely never coming back to Texas. I was going to miss her so much! I didn't want to accept it, but I was weary, I had no more fight in me. The next day after she printed up the email, she was a mess. She was so emotional to say the very least. I'd never seen her like that before. The idea came up to go to the temple. She didn't want to. She didn't know what she wanted. I said, "why don't the two of you go notarize those papers and get them in the mail? You can decide if you want to go to the temple or not while you're out." Here I was standing in her home in Pennsylvania and she was walking out the door to mail closing documents for her house. I couldn't Believe my eyes. I looked back to that day in February, when I got the impression she was going to move away, and realized I'd seen His hand in my life all along. I knew while they were running that errand, I needed to take the time to write down the miraculous journey it had been since the day she announced she was moving. I had a feeling coming to Pennsylvania would put her move into perspective for me, but little did I know I'd be by her side when the sale of her home back in Texas, become final. Unbelievable! No, it's not really hard to believe. The Lord has been orchestrating every moment of my life. He loves me so much! I am a daughter of God! That is the greatest miracle of all in this situation and He loves me as a father loves his daughter. Weather I'm keeping the commandments or not He loves me. It doesn't matter where I am in this earthly experience; I can be angry at God, and I've seen my fair share of those days, or I can be walking in the light. He loves me all the same and He is there. I was sitting on the counter in her kitchen writing down these miracles when she walked in. I didn't realize how strong the spirit was in the room until they came through the door. I felt a blanket of comfort around me. Some how, some way, I would learn to move forward and accept Mariela's death and Marilyn's departure from my life. Marilyn hesitantly decided to go to the temple. She was clearly still dragging her feet. But said, she wanted to go. We did a session and then sat in the celestial room side by side for probably another hour. We felt that heavenly closeness that we felt at Mariela's side. Our friendship is so dear to me.
My visit to Pennsylvania is one I will never forget. The beauty and the love I felt while there are surely close to the feelings I will feel at the foot of my Savior. Pennsylvania was so beautiful! The colors of the landscape were breath taking, and my visit with Marilyn was sweet. While I was there I felt a definite change taking place. I think that made my departure from Marilyn that much more difficult. I knew once I left her house, the phase of having Mariela and Marilyn in my life would be gone for good. I didn't want that to happen, but I was weary and had no more fight in me. As I was watching the days pass I felt myself leaving her and entering the next phase of my life that wouldn't include her. As I was getting on the plane Rachel was carrying a 5lb. chocolate bar from the Hershey's factory, she said, "This is heavy." I said, "Not as heavy as my heart." Just as I said those words, the flood gates opened and I started to cry and couldn't stop. I know I will miss Marilyn and Mariela every day for the rest of my life...
